NSA Intercept X19/Alpha Bravo, 26APR2014, 23:12ZULU
DO NOT/NOT RELEASE TO EDWARD SNOWDEN
NOTE: IF A GUY CALLS AND SAYS HE’S “BILL” SNOWDEN, IT’S EDWARD AND DO NOT/NOT RELEASE
Access Code: pa$$word
(NSA sends excerpt intercept below, between Russian Vladimir Putin and unnamed aide)
PUTIN: I’m devastated. What should we do?
PUTIN: Joe Biden is in the Ukraine and he said “Russia must stop talking and start acting to defuse the Ukraine crisis.” To be truthful, I’m frightened.
AIDE: I may have the solution. We aren’t actually trying to defuse the situation, so by just talking we’re technically in compliance with Biden’s statement.
PUTIN: It’s still scary when he talks tough like that. Who knows what will happen next? Biden also said “further provocative behavior would lead to greater isolation.”
AIDE: Woa. I hadn’t heard that. You’re right, that is scary.
PUTIN: Look at this transcript. Biden also stressed the need for the Ukrainian authorities to tackle corruption, simultaneously adding the U.S. would be giving those same authorities $50 million for political and economic reforms in Ukraine.
AIDE: Talking about anti-corruption while handing over bribe money?
PUTIN: Yes, exactly. They have figured out one of our own strategies and are now using it against us. I may have underestimated these Americans.
AIDE: Sire, you saw that they are sending troops eastward. Media reports show that Poland, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania will get 150 American troops each.
PUTIN: Good Non-God! Are we prepared to handle 150 soldiers per country? Do we need to respond with a chess analogy? Have you checked that the nuclear launch codes are still valid?
AIDE: Well, we did have that problem with the codes after we had to include a vowel, a number and a punctuation mark in each to befuddle the NSA, but I think we’ve got it worked out.
PUTIN: Tell me some good news. My head aches.
AIDE: The good news is that we have no immediate plans to invade Poland. The last time we tried that it did not work out well in the long run. Our new plan is to only invade places that most Americans can’t find on a map.
PUTIN: That should be easy enough. Let’s start with one of their own states. I make joke. You understand.
AIDE: More vodka?
PUTIN: Yes, please, another pitcher. I want to get really drunk and then let’s prank call Obama again and pretend to make concessions. It’s after midnight there, yes?
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